as if inside our skulls, instead of the brain, we felt a fish, floating, attracted by the Moon.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

rainbow warriors

I feel like I'm the one in my group of friends who no one really likes and is kind of an annoying know-it-all. I'm pretty rude and offensive a lot of the time. and whiny. and unintentionally mean. I tend to make people angry/upset it seems. though I don't really have any way of knowing if my suspicions are true or not, because of course if you ask someone,
"do you secretly dislike me?"
what are they going to say? that's such an awkward question. it's a question I feel I would probably ask without thinking. I do things like that sometimes, unfortunately.

I stole this picture from alanna. I really liked it. it describes what I want to be pretty clearly, I think.

this makes me a little bit sick to look at, actually, but only if I think of it as food. if I think of it as art, it's sometimes pretty.

I'm pretty disgusting. I'm pretty bloated and saggy and worn and torn looking today. I think I would prompt one of those awkward, "are you sick? you look terrible!"-s from people today.

I feel kind of broken. like how a machine is broken. I feel like something is wrong with me. I'm very unmotivated in the way I used to be [work is literally scary. any kind of work. cleaning, dishes, going to the store, leaving the apartment...]


  1. Please, stop whining. I think if you got over yourself once in a while, you'd be much more likable.

    Why can't you appreciate the things that you are fortunate enough to have? You're very thin (it's ridiculous to refer to eating as "gorging" - stop obsessing), pretty, and surrounded by people who seem to care about you, yet all you seem to see are the negative things about yourself and your life.

    Moreover, if you are an artist, why are all the pictures on this site created by other people?

    Everyone feels sad, everyone feels upset, and sometimes, help is necessary to deal with it. With you, though, it seems like somewhat infantile attention-seeking (like the self-portraits that say "I'm unattractive" beneath them. IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, DON'T SHOW THEM TO OTHERS - DON'T FISH FOR COMPLIMENTS.)

    Work on that, and I think you have the potential to be a good person. You need to stop seeking yourself in the impressions of other people, and try to accept YOU, not the person that you'd theoretically like to be.

    And that's the truth.

  2. I'm assuming you're luke; I may be wrong. if I'm right: I'm sorry I wasn't able to be the person you want to be, and I'm sincere when I say that. you'll know what I mean, I think. I have much more to say than that, but I assume you read my email, even if you didn't feel comfortable responding (which I understand. it was a bad thing of me to do, I'm sorry).

    I am not thankful for what I have, it's true. on good days I am. unfortunately, I seem to only post on my blog when I'm in a bad mood/having a bad day. but thank you for the backhanded compliments, I suppose.

    if you were an artist you would know why I don't post my own art on a blog. I collect other art, other things that I find beautiful or interesting or inspiring. I can look at my own art whenever I want, and I do post my own art, just on another website: deviantart. this blog isn't for my art, it's to share the things I've found that I find beautiful. I could post more of my own art, I guess. I just don't think of it. I don't consider my art as something that I am compelled to share in blog format.

    I know that everyone feels upset sometimes. that has nothing to do with the things I post on my blog. I've never said I'm the only one who's feeling sad, etc. and I know that I tend to post attention seeking photos. I've been working on not doing that, because it's just plain stupid. fishing for compliments only makes other people uncomfortable, and it just makes me feel more pathetic to know I did it.

    and I do agree with you on your last point. "seeking [myself] in the impressions of other people" has always been my downfall. it's pointless, and will only hurt me (and everyone in our culture who does the same). for the past few weeks I've been trying to do the "accept you for you" kind of deal, because I'm never going to be truly happy in my life if I base my view of myself on others' views of me. this, however, is a hard mindset to break. I was brought up this way by my mother (that how people see me defines who I am). I've been learning over the past couple months how completely terrible this idea is, and how I really need to get over it. It's illogical, because none of these things really MATTER to me, the individual, in how my life plays out.

    thank you for writing this, I really do appreciate it. I'm incredibly thankful for your honesty. really, thank you.


bitte sag etwas.